Saturday, January 14, 2012

Unloveable (On Twitter)

You Don't Have to Tell Me
No one loves me on Twitter.

I do not tell you this out of  a need to evoke sympathy. Perhaps I should be pat on the back-I'm not quite sure.

Admittedly, I am newish to the world of Twitter and all it's seeming "delights". I have 7 followers and follow 31 people. By looking at other more "successful" twitterers, I have come to the conclusion that the hugely popular people have more followers than they follow.

It's just like high school. I am again relegated to eating lunch outside the theater instead of the quad with all the popular kids.

I Don't Have Much in My Life 
From what I have observed with my limited time exploring the world of Twitter, it seems that if you write something particularly amusing or shocking you get attention by people retweeting or sending your message or status further out into the cyber landscape so your words can be admired or laughed at. Those words will essentially live on.

I, perhaps somewhat bitterly, am not capable of shocking or funny quips to interest people. Can I just say in my defense that I haven't even tried?

Ironically, it seems that if you have the time to spend on Twitter, you do not have time to spend doing things that make your life interesting enough to post on your status.

Again, like high school-its not that the popular people ARE popular. Its just that they think they are and they occupy the quad uncontested.

So Take It It's Yours
If you are famous, you pretty much can tweet that you are making a bowl of cereal and then you will be retweeted and  receive loads of replies-lots of attention.

I'm not joking.

Message Received Loud and Clear 
So, I am pretty much ignored. But at the same time, I do not feel motivated to do much about it.

I confess that I follow Boy George, who tweets fairly often. And I sent him a couple of replies, but what am I supposed to say about his porridge breakfast, or his pictures of attractive naked or near naked men? What can I, a mere English teacher of 46 years, have to say that would interest him enough to reply or even take notice?  Do I care?

Morrissey does not appear to have a real Twitter account. There is the fake Mozzer. He/She is pretty funny. I mean, the Mozzer at least has sharp quips-not completely unlike the real one.

I kind of prefer to think of the real Morrissey as re-reading a classic novel like Crime and Punishment anyway.

Hell, I'm not even noticed by MozArmy or Morrissey followers. But its probably because I don't write much about him.

I peek in at the "quad" filled with Morrissey followers every now and again. Then wonder why I was not invited, but turn away and go back to my lunch outside the theater.

I Wear Black on the Outside Because Black is How I Feel on the Inside
Basically, Twitter is not for those with low self image.

It will probably make you feel pretty badly about yourself if you take it seriously.

I think back to my time as a waitress. My limited time. I was the world's worse waitress. I move way too slowly and I am not that interested in other people's needs or comfort. So I sucked. I forgot to bring mustard or napkins or extra ketchup and had to force myself to walk with any kind of urgency when customers had a limited break. I lost every waitressing job I ever had.

Just on a side note: the only place I was ever a waitress was in Dublin in the early 90s, I think they had high expectations of my American work ethic.

But after feeling like complete shit, I had to laugh to myself. Is it the end of the world to be the World's Worst Waitress?

Is it the end of the world that I am no one on Twitter? Or in the cyber world at all?

Nah. I'd rather reread Crime and Punishment anyway.


  1. I honestly cannot picture you as a waitress. You WOULD be the worst waitress ever. It's basically because you're so smart. I, of course, made an excellent waitress which I suppose speaks volumes. Did I spell 'volumes' right?

  2. Hilarious. Although, I don't think it has anything to do with brains. I just don't give a crap about other people and people care a great deal about their food (rightfully so!). By the way, I am enjoying your blog. Your trip to Spain sounded like a fun time-nice pictures too!

  3. You know, now that I don't drink caffeinated coffee for health reasons, I still have pangs of regret about the one time (ONE TIME) I served a couple caffeinated instead of decaf because we were busy and I couldn't wait for the decaf to brew. Seriously, 20 years ago. I probably killed them and I'll never know.

  4. You may have killed people, but somewhere in Ireland sits a customer still waiting for his extra ketchup.

  5. A most underrated Smiths song. Rogan and Goddard don't give it much time, but it's a fave of mine.

    1. I am so glad you point that out. It was own personal anthem at a time in my life. A gem.