The Night I Almost Met Morrissey

The Sparks at The Fonda, Hollywood

NOTE: I know I haven't written this blog for months. Explanations will follow at a later date.

Monday, November 12, I went to see The Sparks play at the Fonda Theater in Hollywood. And there in the balcony, sitting at a special table was the back of Morrissey's head. Now, you may be disappointed but I did not take any pictures of the back of his head to prove anything. Simply because it would make a terrible photograph and furthermore it wouldn't prove anything.

I had a few moments of joyfully starring at the back of his head. It seemed like a happy head as it chatted and laughed with Jesse Tobias' head and another bald head. I wondered why no one else was attempting to say hello or get a picture or autograph. I decided to try to meet him.

I happened to bring a copy of Morrissey's Autobiography so I tentatively approached the bald gentleman sitting to Morrissey's right. He looked at me sternly as I smiled nervously and asked, "Would Morrissey autograph my book?" 

He said quite simply and sternly, "No."

Dejected, I climbed the stairs and pondered the situation as I watched other people just walk over to Morrissey and start talking. I realized, while I did not get my book signed, I might have been able to say hello. But it just didn't feel right.

I didn't feel clever enough as I clutched my Long Island Iced Tea and my unsigned copy of Morrissey's Autobiography.

I guess I should have been jealous of the more "known" people who so confidently shook his hand or approached him. But why? I'm happy for them and if they are known by Morrissey then they deserve the greeting or the handshakes. 

Let's face it, most of us flotsam just don't do anything that is particularly extraordinary. Furthermore, lets not overlook the advantages of being unknown.

We can make complete asses of ourselves and no one will notice. Even if Morrissey had seen me approach him and his bald friend, he would never recognize me in the future. If I had been more well known and said something lame, he'd have noticed and you can't repeat something like a bad or boring impression.

So, my last attempt at meeting Morrissey was more lame than the first: I followed him and Jesse and the other guy out the door to where their car was parked when they left the show and the same guy just said, "No."

It was kind of funny to me that I was making Morrissey walk faster as I followed his small entourage-I mean, I'm actually kind to animals and the "partially blind." I wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone Morrissey.

Then they peeled out of the parking lot. Perhaps to prove to me once and for all that there will be no messing with Morrissey.

I'm glad for my missed opportunity, in all honesty. I have no idea what I could have said if he'd have spoken to me after I followed him. Its just so undignified. And you HAVE to have something extraordinary to say to Morrissey if you meet him. It can't simply be a wave and a smile. I would have rather tripped on my size eleven feet going down the stairs to meet him than just say "Hi" or "Nice to meet you." Being boring is the kiss of death.

I CAN say that I ALMOST met Morrissey. And the word, "almost" implies that there will be another chance.